"Look..." I hesitated. You know when someone says, "Look," or "Listen," that you aren't going to like the next thing that they're going to say. I watched it land on his face.
"We knew what this really was when we started. We said it plainly then- but we forgot how to keep saying it over time. It got.. complicated." I looked at his face, keeping my features soft and stoking the vulnerable feeling inside of me. Now was not the time to protect myself. We needed a frank conversation if we were going to move forward.
"I have known all this time that you don't want me. I know that we're in this because of circumstances we couldn't find another way around. I haven't forgotten. I guess I just let my guard down at some point and let myself think it would be more than just.. an arrangement. That's my own fault." I looked down at my hands. I did not want to cry. I wanted to feel distant and objective, I wanted to not reveal that I had broken my own heart and had to basically break up with an idea of our relationship, because that felt childish. I didn't want to admit that I thought there was a little tiny fairy tale in there for us somewhere.
"I.. do want you. Just, not in the way I want her. I can't explain it, but.. I know that you want things from me that I just can't give you, and I feel like it's just never going to be enough. You say that you are satisfied with what I have to give, but it has never actually felt that it was true."
Fair. He was right. I'm not satisfied. Everyone around me says I'll never be satisfied - and maybe this is a part of that. Some idea I have about what my life is supposed to look like and the constant pursuit of that vision, vs. acceptance of what it actually is.
